by Katie Norris
Despite a marked increase in sleep deprivation due to serious illnesses like restless leg syndrome, insomnia and drinking caffienated beverages past five, Lucy, Castaic's favorite feline, managed to take two naps today.
"This wouldn't be the first time," Lucy gloats when asked just how she does it, considering the circumstances. "You've just got to want it."
Our news team gaped in disbelief while Lucy, sometimes regarded as a lazy sloth by those who are "just jealous because they don't have the time for power naps," curled up on her most-preferred spot on her living room couch to get some shut-eye. She says that it's a matter of effective time management.
"Time to hit that old dusty trail," Lucy remarks jocularly, signaling the end of our brief interview.
And that's not all. Santa Clarita residents are treating themselves to all kinds of indulgences, undeterred by factors such as home foreclosures, business lay-offs and the risk of high blood pressure.
Susan, 38, a stay-at-home mother of two, is a regular patron at a Valencia Starbucks. Yesterday she made the decision to put up the 75 cents and splurge on a refill.
"I usually go for the South African mungbean high-octane brew with soy," Susan discloses, looking smug while the "morning rush" customers glare at her in disgust. "What can I say? I'm a coffee girl!" she jests.
Original article pulled from The Signal: http://www.the-signal.com/news/archive/2898/
Friday, October 31, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
...and we're off!
The Pledge Naysayers Association of America (PNS) is a small special interest/activist group from the unincorporated Los Angeles County area -- more specifically, west of the I-5 freeway. The group's aims are to inform the young public of the proverbial wool that's been wrongfully thrust over their eyes. In an attempt to reveal a sense of truth to their loyal demographic, the PNS vows to exploit waste-of-space local newspaper articles in the only way they know how -- through the majesty of parody. And now, please stand by for a word from our founders, the sisters Norris:
Alex(andra) was born in 1989 to proud parents X and Y (names withheld for security purposes). Alex lived a normal young life, up until the unthinkable happened -- she discovered her dog-whispering powers. After this monumental event, life carried on much as it had previously. It continues to this day. Alex's favorite pastimes include dog-whispering (as aforementioned), ornate paper airplane construction, disassembling appliances for the sake of reassembling them, producing high-pitched repetitive noises, Quidditch and tap-dancing.
Katie lead a virtually unexceptional existence from the moment she exited the womb until she was approximately twelve years of age, save for a few inexplicable occurences. The first 'episode' happened when she was eight; she was at a zoo with her family, observing the mating rituals of cloistered mongeese, as is customary of many of her scholastic equals. She leaned in to catch a better glimpse of a female mongoose in heat, and within a nanosecond, her knees shot backwards in the manner of a velociraptor. It was then that she developed a strong gut-feeling that she was not like other children her age -- perhaps not even akin to other humans. Four years later, it was revealed to her by a Dr. A. Goiter that she was, in fact, a test tube baby. Moments later, her teeth exploded.
HEED MY ADVICE, by Katie Norris
If your house is surrounded by a band of zombies, a herd of werewolves or a thousand Agent Smiths, and you have no means of escape, shame on you. You should have remembered the worst possible scenario salmon filets.
OBSERVATIONS AND NOTIONS, by Alex Norris
If you are middle-aged, male and balding, PSYs, or permanent skin yarmulkes, can be a small problem, which is an understatement. Judging from my prolific observations, it is usually a bad idea to grow a ponytail.
WAYS NOT TO EXIT A ROOM, by Alex Norris
If you are exiting a room and you notice yourself walking toward yourself, BEWARE! That is not a door. That is a mirror.
JOKES I SHOULD HAVE DENOUNCED IN THE 3RD GRADE, by Katie Norris
Question: Where does the King keep his armies?
(answer below)
Answer: In his sleevies!
COMING SOON TO OWN ON VIDEO AND DVD... NOT REALLY, THOUGH
Article No. 1, "Lucy Takes Another Nap"
Alex(andra) was born in 1989 to proud parents X and Y (names withheld for security purposes). Alex lived a normal young life, up until the unthinkable happened -- she discovered her dog-whispering powers. After this monumental event, life carried on much as it had previously. It continues to this day. Alex's favorite pastimes include dog-whispering (as aforementioned), ornate paper airplane construction, disassembling appliances for the sake of reassembling them, producing high-pitched repetitive noises, Quidditch and tap-dancing.
Katie lead a virtually unexceptional existence from the moment she exited the womb until she was approximately twelve years of age, save for a few inexplicable occurences. The first 'episode' happened when she was eight; she was at a zoo with her family, observing the mating rituals of cloistered mongeese, as is customary of many of her scholastic equals. She leaned in to catch a better glimpse of a female mongoose in heat, and within a nanosecond, her knees shot backwards in the manner of a velociraptor. It was then that she developed a strong gut-feeling that she was not like other children her age -- perhaps not even akin to other humans. Four years later, it was revealed to her by a Dr. A. Goiter that she was, in fact, a test tube baby. Moments later, her teeth exploded.
HEED MY ADVICE, by Katie Norris
If your house is surrounded by a band of zombies, a herd of werewolves or a thousand Agent Smiths, and you have no means of escape, shame on you. You should have remembered the worst possible scenario salmon filets.
OBSERVATIONS AND NOTIONS, by Alex Norris
If you are middle-aged, male and balding, PSYs, or permanent skin yarmulkes, can be a small problem, which is an understatement. Judging from my prolific observations, it is usually a bad idea to grow a ponytail.
WAYS NOT TO EXIT A ROOM, by Alex Norris
If you are exiting a room and you notice yourself walking toward yourself, BEWARE! That is not a door. That is a mirror.
JOKES I SHOULD HAVE DENOUNCED IN THE 3RD GRADE, by Katie Norris
Question: Where does the King keep his armies?
(answer below)
Answer: In his sleevies!
COMING SOON TO OWN ON VIDEO AND DVD... NOT REALLY, THOUGH
Article No. 1, "Lucy Takes Another Nap"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
